I’ve been a fan of PC based First Person Shooter games since before
either was invented. I used to sit for endless hours with my right hand
holding a twitching half-dead rat while my left was busy pressing an
assortment of Yale Keys stolen from my Dad’s dungeon. I’d stare at my
bedroom window shouting things like, “WTF? LTP Noob!” One time my Mum
got a priest in who declared I was speaking Sumerian.
When I was
released I quickly became enthralled with the PC revolution. FPS games
became my forte. Doom, Quake, Half-Life, Unreal Tournament, FAACS
(Fictional Anthropomorphic Animal Character Slayer) – I played them all!
Online play added a whole new element. I could pwn real players; the
only enemy being the evil lag caused by the demonic inspired modem.
I
did briefly switch to the Dark Side and tried the original Red Faction
and Halo on consoles. I laughed so hard I split a hair follicle. Aiming
on console based FPS games involved juggling with two thumb sticks in a
virtual world which refused to keep still. I had more chance of catching
Mr. Miyagi with chopsticks than hitting my target. The AI’s had to be
programmed with Storm Trooper levels of accuracy to give players a
chance of winning. At the time I imagined if they tried to develop
multiplay FPS all players would have to wear a blindfold and detect each
other using the oral “Marco – Polo” method to make it fair and
balanced.
I laughed and went back to my superior PC with superior
graphics, smooth mouse/keyboard action and skill! I didn’t stop
laughing until the neighbours beat me senseless with a cricket bat. Then
of course the dreaded Haxor emerged to ruin it all.
Hacks made
CounterStrike a nightmare to play. VAC is blatantly insufficient but
then again it does stand for Virtually Any Cheat Is Allowed. The ‘IA’ is
missed off the end because VACIA sounds like a sex enhancing tablet.
Servers
run by Admins who didn’t become power obsessed evil despots saved the
day and made the game playable. I soon learned only to go to those
blessed of servers and for a couple of years had great fun. However, now
we have a fish based FPS series called Cod and when Modern
Warfare 2 came out, it had been designed in Infinityward’s wisdom not to have
server-side support. This, they pronounced emphatically, was to stop
hackers dead in their pants, plus had an unforeseen and unplanned
side-effect of making it possible for them to charge for DLC…which is
nice. /sarcasm.
I fell for this nefarious claim and purchased
said product for my preferred platform from a Game shop assistant with
chronic urticaria.
I played and enjoyed the Single-Player
Campaign even though it was remarkable easy and quick. According to the
stats, when I completed the game I’d been playing for minus 5 minutes.
Nonplussed I dived straight into the multiplayer arena!
It soon
became blatantly obvious some players had the ability to see through
walls. Others could shoot one player with one shot, spin around 790
degrees and shoot another in the nads while teabagging a third. Odd
Perks indeed I thought. With these abilities I expected to unlock a
Killstreak called, “Delete All Enemy’s Accounts.”
At rank 68 I
struggled to gather enthusiasm to play. I hada negative ratio which was so large it makes the San Andreas Fault look like a builder’s butt
crack. It was rare for me to go through one gaming session without
encountering at least one obvious hacker and Bod knows how many who are
more discrete in their cheatering shenanigans. I had taken to playing
obscure game modes which hardly anyone plays like ‘Third Person Capture
the Hag’ as the haxors tend to stay in normal modes but it’s hardly
ideal. The old woman hates being picked up and dragged around the map.
She threatens to tell her son-in-law or regale me with tales about her
bunions.
Then a mate (who strangely enough only I can see?)
bought me a pre-owned copy for the PS3 and said, “Just try it mate!“
whilst smiling like a bible basher. Going against all my instincts and
beliefs I did and the difference was simply incredible!
The first
few matches were like a ‘Carry on’ film. I’d go to aim down the scope
but threw a flashbang and blinded myself instead. I’d try to knife
someone but ran faster into their oncoming bullets. Saying ‘Stop’ and
holing up my hand doesn’t work like it did for Neo. On my third match I
fell backwards out of a window in Highrise. I don’t even want to say how
and why I got stuck upside down on a ladder in Quarry.
This was
all down to the barbaric controller which is JUST WRONG! I missed my
smooth mouse and keyboard action. A player would appear in front of me
and I’d panic! I’d press both triggers while rotating the thumb sticks
in the hopes I’d unlock a special move and shoot a fireball while
screaming ‘Hadouken!’ but it didn’t work.
But then something
happened and suddenly I got used to everything. It was like the
controller needed to bond with me like a Trill or Goa'uld. I started
winning matches. Within a few games I was really enjoying myself; within
a few ranks I hit a positive ratio. At rank 42 I had a ratio of 1.27
and found FFA quite easy. I have to seek team based matches for a decent
challenge. On the PC version I got killed in the lobby.
There’s
good players of course but what’s so refreshing is you don’t see
biblical miracles of skill on a regular basis, nor does a Dark Lord of
the Sith join the match under the pseudonym /\L33TR@:P0rZ*^|. It appears
the PC is the preferred platform of the Empire.
I continued
playing both versions for a while, however I found myself spending more
and more time on the PS3. It’s hard to login to a game where you don’t
know if you are on a level playing field and the evidence from the
HackCam proves the mutant genome is ripe amongst the PC community.
Maybe
it’s my experience on the PC which makes the PS3 version more playable;
maybe the general skill level of the PC’er is greater. Maybe the ‘not
talked about much in public’ aim-assist in console FPS games makes all
the difference. I don’t know. All I know is it is blatantly obvious a
major factor is because the cheaters are more prevalent than ever
before. Valve’s stony silence since the 2500 account bannage after MW2
was first launched on the PC speaks volumes. The lack of visible bans
in-game encourages more to cheat just to keep up. I actually think it’s
reached the point where it’s not the player with the hacks who wins but
the one with the best hacks; it’s like the Olympics if drugs and
bioengineering were allowed!
Is this the beginning of the end of
FPS Multiplay on the PC? Such claims have been made before of course and
it’s still here. All I know is I've not looked back since. Black Ops and Modern Warfare 3 were all PS3 purchases. Maybe the hacking problem has got better on the PC? I do not know but it's too late for me.
Sorry for the ‘MASSIVE WALL OF TEXT’ If you’ve
actually read all of the above then congratulations! You’ve unlocked a
special Title/Emblem and Ranked up! (heh heh, I said ranked).
*WHAM* – ‘TEXTIES TEXTIES..1…2…3’ CHALLENGE COMPLETED
*WHAM* - CUTE INVERTED LOBSTER EMBLEM AWARDED
*WHAM* - YOU HAVE BEEN PROMOTED TO RANK ELEVENTY1!!11
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